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USPOL: The Research Is In, And Guess Who The Only American President With No Unfortunate Scandals Or Corruption Was? Jimmy Carter. Now He's Back And He's Here To Kick Ass And Chew Gum! Click To Find Out Which One He's Out Of

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NEWS: What Is It? Do We Do It? Click To Find Out!

(hint: only in the vaguest of senses)

BREAKING: Everything Still Terrible, Please Resume Panicking

USPOL: Apparently You Can Impeach Anything! Our Correspondents Confer On Whether Impeachment Is Coming For Kavanagh, Particularly After Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Off-The-Record Response Of "Shitty Little Boy That He Is" Under Her Breath

USPOL: Jimmy Carter Conveys 'Metal Horns' And 'Hack The Planet' As Key Parts Of The Carter 2020 Platform

MASTODON HEADLINE NEWS: Mastodon? Headline? NEWS?!! Yes! Except No! Not Really At All!

MHN: Your Pre-eminent Source For Imaginary News

USPOL: Jimmy Carter Campaign Announces Finalized Slogan: THIS. IS. CARTER. It Plays While Jimmy Front Kicks An Actor Dressed As An ICE Agent Into A Bottomless Well. Carter Added, "Suck On That, President Trumpanzee" And Flipped Us Off

USPOL BREAKING: Jimmy Carter In Power Armor, Smashing The Shit Out Of The Summer Homes Of The Twenty Richest Shitbags On Earth. Reports Indicate Him Screeching "I'm The Fucking Incumbent, Motherfuckers" As He Takes Nude Selfies With Each One

CLIMATE, RELIGION: Holy Fucking Shitballs The Arctic IS CATCHING ON FIRE. Pastor Suwerna Vamplemoore Reports It A Sign That "God Is No Longer Fucking Around, You Assholes"

BREAKING: Alabama Compound Where Dorian Is Hiding Nuked, Dorian Denounced As 'Terrorist Hurricane Of Antifa Milkshakes'. Even We, An Entire Imaginary News Agency, Are Not Sure If We Are In Hell Or On A Bad Trip At This Point

BREAKING: Whatever Just Happened With The Fash Machine, It Was ACTUALLY The Fault Of The Evil Liberal Hellspiracy That Has Been Going On For Ten Thousand Years Now, Starting With Recorded History, When Hillary Clinton Used Time Travel To Ruin America Pre-Retro-Posto-Facto-Actively. Our Sponsor Wouldn't Lie! Also Buy Their Shit Please

HKPOL BREAKING: Chinese Officials Cede The Deportation Clause, Strangely Silent About Santa Claus. Our Investigation Digs Into The 'Arctic Connection'

UKPOL: Now That The UK Is Officially Disbanding, What 'X Invasion' Will Be Caused? We Have No Idea What This Fresh Hell Will Bring, But We'll Tell You All Our Random Guesses At Eleven!

MEDICINE POLL: Correspondent todon.nl/@Galdrakinn/102728255 Found Evidence Biohackers Are Upsetting The Pharmabros By Developing Open Source Tools For Cruelly Overpriced Medications. From The Article: “If you're going to die and you're being denied the medicine that can save you, would you rather break the law and live, or be a good upstanding citizen and a corpse?”

POLITICS POLL: White Supremacist Groups Claim 'Politics Is Too Political', And That Being Evil Shitbags Means People Discriminate Against Them. Should We Hear Them Out, Or Punch Their Asses Into Oblivion? Please Take Our Very Balanced Poll!

UKPOLL: Pound's Confidence In Confidence Man Boring Johnson At Three-Year Low, According To Correspondent ceilidh.space/@newsbot/1027290 ! Will This Economic Hurdle Slow The Inevitable Mistake Of Brexit, Just Cause More Violence, Or Worse? What Do YOU Think?

SCIENCE: Humanity Cannot Have Nice Things, Scientists Declare. Causes Still Pending But "Assholes" At Top Of List To Check

USPOL: Our Correspondent anticapitalist.party/@sifr/102 Reports That Democratic Ideals Have Landed In Puerto Rico! Will The Rest Of The United States Fall To Democracy?! Cross Your Fucking Fingers

USPOL: White Supremacists And Elected Officials Hold Large Press Conference To Clarify They Have No Connection To Each Other Except Significant Overlap In Membership And Their Weekly Poker Tournament, And Also To State That Politics Has Become Too Political

BREAKING: Jack Dorsey's Account Hacked, Used To Post Things He Clearly Detests Yet Monetized And Energized Into An Engine Of Hate

BREAKING: BBC Reports That YouTube Is Bringing Back The Nazis It Banned, Saying "We Just Got Paid To Do It, Don't Know Who Did It," And Then Whistling Off While Counting Stacks Of Untraceable Bearer Bonds:

bbc.co.uk/news/technology-4952

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