USPOL: What Implications Do President Trump's Arrest Have For The Office Of The Presidency? Can We Besmirch The Highly Regarded Office Of The Presidency With Such Stigma? What Other Bullshit Can We Spout That Makes It Clear Our Corporate Sponsors Do Not Want Impeachment? Tonight At Eleven!

USPOL: New 'Petitioners' Leftist Movement Formally Suggests Re-Uniting New England And Other Agreeing States With The U.K. In Order To Circumvent The Whole Fucking Trainwreck, Causing Larger Trainwreck

BREAKING: In A Startling Display, Pride Month ITSELF Issues Decree Proclaiming That Pope Bathroom Breaks Are Only According To Schedule Now. Also Denies That He Can Choose When To Pee Instead Of The Schedule

LOCAL: The Ancient Pyramid Under Your Neighborhood Has Finally Come To Life Again Via Theft Of Vital Essence From The Corpses In The Graveyard. The Ascension Is Upon Us All! How To Prepare For The Immanentization: Tonight, At Eleven!

BOOMERS: Why Did They Kill Coal Mining By Removing Coal From The Soil? We Ask The Tough Questions

BOOMERS: Why Did They Kill The Copy Protection Industry? What Secrets Lurk In Their Histories? Click To Find Out!

DAILY POLL: Tonight On Pole Vaulting With The Stars, Who Do You Hope Will Be Impaled?

CHILDREN: What Drug Are All The Cool Kids Into This Week? We Find Out By Going Undercover To Kindergarten!

MILLENNIALS: Why Are These Horrible People Ignoring The News? We Come Up With Any Reason But Our Attacking Them

MASTODON: Pay No Attention To Claims By @newsbot That We Are Fake News And They Are Real. Also, How Fake Are We? Vote Tonight, At Eleven!

SCIENCE: Can Time Be Fixed? We Contact Our Science Correspondent, Suwerna Vamplemoore, Who Clarifies That No, It Cannot Be Fixed

MILLENNIALS: Are Storming The Studio! They Want To Kill Mastodon Headline News Now! The Police Can't Help Us! Is There No End To The Suffering?! Find Out Tonight, At Eleven!

MILLENNIALS: Why Aren't Millennials Slaughtering The Beef Industry? We Speculate Wildly For An Hour Or So, Sometime In The Near Future! Don't Miss It!

LEGALIZATION: More States Than Ever Report Becoming 'Green' As Opposed To Red Or Blue, As Corporations Squabble Over Who Gets To Monetize A Drug You Can Grow In Your Fucking Backyard Except For Laws

DRUGS: Where Can You Score Weed Locally? We Ask The Hard Questions To Find Out!

UKPOL: Sightings Of Blue Police Box Or Boxes In And Around The UK Spur Media To Try To Track Down Source Who Originally Said "Doesn't She Look Tired?" To An Aide, Causing May's Inevitable Fall From Office

BIG DATA: Are big video game companies collecting modeled behavior data from your playstyle? We Go In Depth!



USPOL: Will The Next President Be Male? Political Correspondent Suwerna Vamplemoore Asks If Americans Will Trust A Man To Be President Again After This One, Considering How Badly It's Always Gone

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