Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

The Consultant's Curse:
When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
medicine, and is normally only required once.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
ocean level wouldn't cure.
-- Ross MacDonald

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
around a deal faster.
-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
November 26, 1792

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
-- Samuel Johnson

Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
-- Ogden Nash

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-- Jack Paar

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
meet girls.
-- Matt Cartmill

If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
-- William Shakespeare

What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84

Coward, n.:
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
operators together.
-- Steve Higgins

Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
-- Tom Chapin

Deliberation, n.:
The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
buttered on.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

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