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If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein

Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
-- Edgar R. Fiedler

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"

Chapter 1

The story so far:

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.

Cigarette, n.:
A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
between.

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.

"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
teenager asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear," she replied.

His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
money, he went to Southern California.

Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.

Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
up.
-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83

Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

We all know political bumper stickers and some of us even put them on
our cars. However, if you show up at headquarters on Friday afternoon
after a long campaign week, you're more likely to see a stumper
bicker.

Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny.

The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.

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