Pinned toot

Order. Here is a picture of me yelling “Order!” riding high upon a giant flying flamingo over parliament like Daenerys Targaryen on her dragon.

All credit goes to Jim'll Paint It:

Pinned toot

Order. I apologise for interrupting the hon. Lady, but the House must try to calm itself. In particular, the hon. Lady must be heard—and however many times her question needs to be put, it will be heard.

Order. There will now be a two-minute speaking limit.

Order! As we are constrained for time, I advise the hon. Member for Bolton West that his inquiry on missile defence capability can be shoehorned into the current inquiry.

Order. The situation is perfectly manageable, but a significant number of hon. Members are still seeking to catch my eye. As a guide, although I am not imposing a time limit, if each Member spoke for approximately seven minutes, everybody would be accommodated.

Order! Understandably, a significant number of Members wish to participate in these exchanges and to question the Home Secretary. There is a debate to follow on proxy voting, which is well subscribed and which risks having very little time left for it.

Order! In calling the hon. Member for Huddersfield, I congratulate him on his tie, inserting only the modest caveat that it is perhaps a tad understated.

Order. ORDER!!!! We now need extremely short, single-sentence questions and replies.

Order. ORDER!!!! The amendment must be moved formally. Order. Do not tell me it is not moved. I know perfectly well what I am doing. The amendment is in the ownership of the House. The right hon. Member for Meriden has decided, perfectly properly, that she does not wish to move it; another Member who signed it does. It really is a very simple point for an experienced parliamentarian.

Order. If Members are leaving, I am sure they will do so quickly and quietly. I cannot believe that there will be hushed private conversations conducted by Members who do not wish to hear the hon. Member for St Austell and Newquay dilate on the important matter of Cornish national identity in the 2021 census, to which I am sure everybody else wishes keenly to listen.

Order! An eight-minute limit on Back-Bench speeches now applies, though I fear that it will soon have to be reduced—but we shall see.

Order. ORDER!!!! On account of the level of interest in the debate and my desire to accommodate it as best I can, the time limit on Back-Bench speeches will have to be reduced to four minutes with immediate effect.

Order. ORDER!!!! I am sorry to disappoint remaining colleagues, but we must now move on.

Order. Forgive me; I have treated the hon. Gentleman with the utmost courtesy, as I always do, and I am happy to discuss the matter further with him. However, that is a ruling on advice, to which very careful thought has been given, and we cannot debate it further. We must now proceed with the business.

Order. I was going to call Mr Skinner, who I thought was perched a moment ago.

Order. The hon. Lady’s question was heard, I want to hear the Prime Minister’s reply, and the Prime Minister is entitled to have it properly heard.

Order. ORDERRRRRRR!! The hon. Lady must resume her seat. Forgive me; I am trying, as I always do, to accommodate the House.

Order. I said that the right hon. Member for Islington North must be heard. The reply from the Prime Minister must be heard.

Order. ORDER!!!! Before I call the next speaker, I can tell the House that no lead sponsors have informed me—and I indicated that they needed to do so before 4 pm—that they do not wish a recorded vote to take place on their motion.

ORDER! I am keen to accommodate a few more colleagues, but there is huge pressure on time and therefore all inquiries, without exception, need to be brief, and the responses characteristically so from the Home Secretary.

Order! That is very discourteous behaviour. Let us hear from another well-behaved individual. Ah, yes: Jeremy Lefroy.

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