The Olive garden is not a fancy restaurant. It's just Italian Applebee's

It sucks that men can't play with children without looking creepy.

If you stacked a bunch of chameleon on top of one another they'd probably get stuck in a feedback loop of constantly changing colors.

Saying that someone has a future is optimistic, but saying someone has a past is ominous.

Americas eat like they have free universal health care.

Condoms are made in factories by robots so technically robots are already killing humans

Some people jack off more than they brush their teeth.

On a microwave timer, 99 is greater than 100.

Mr. Krabs probably laughs "AgAgAgAgAgAgAg" because "Ag" is a precious metal (ie: Silver) and is therefore worth money.

For every boneless chicken out there, there's a chickenless bone.

wolverine and deadpool could make a fortune off their kidneys by selling and regenerating them

When cardi b dies we could all start calling her cardi was.

More people would donate to Wikipedia if they shut off the site for a day to make us realise what we'd be missing

When we see hairless cats and think that it's kind of cute but kind of ugly, that's what gorillas think when they see us naked.

There is some irony in the fact that "final fantasy" is the series that keeps going forever.

Independence from England is the most common holiday in the world.

Since ravens can mimic human speech, there’s a chance Edgar Allen Poe really did hear a bird repeat “nevermore.”

There are locks in a police locker room to prevent theft.

If we hear ghosts as quiet, low, and spooky voices, then maybe it works in reverse and they hear us as loud, shrill, and annoying and that's why they want us out of their house so bad.

The $5 footlong, the Arby's 5 for 5 and the original McDonald's dollar menu are the millennial versions of, "back in the day you could get a Coke for a nickel."

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